OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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