Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
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