wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
