i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
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