She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
