oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
