are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
