I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Randomize
