dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
