the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
