my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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