There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
