Acid is not a monday night drug
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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