Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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