My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
