You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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