dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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