What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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