all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
