you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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