If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
