I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
