I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
