I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
