Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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