I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
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