First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
