pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
