I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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