he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
