I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
