So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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