i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
