It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
