Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Everyone says I win the strip club
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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