paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
