I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Randomize