so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
All I want is dick and wine.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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