The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
