Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
