Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
