Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
