I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Randomize
