did you get engaged???
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Randomize
