Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
