We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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