You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I'm having to shit out rocks
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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