So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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