I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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