Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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