i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
