She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
