If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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