The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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