This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
