I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
