take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Randomize
