is your mom at the bar?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
How naked do you want me to be?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
