There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Pants are for mortals
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Randomize