the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
