she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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