I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
