I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
